Storms rock. There's the sunshine afterward to look forward to.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Revelation of my Subconscious Self?
I do believe that most of the time, dreams are a manifestation of our hopes, dreams, fantasies, desires and fears.
So the 3 consecutive dreams I had two nights ago raised a lot of questions about my true self.
Dream #1
My whole class was condemned by one of our teachers for injuring his right heel (don't ask me why the right heel specifically.) and because of this, our class' reputation fell really badly and everyone shunned us and treated us like crap. Now, we knew that no such thing had happened, but we couldn't say anything against a teacher (according to the logic of my dream-self, anyway). Still, a few classmates had this teacher's car-washing event under the guise of making up for our misdeed but actually waiting to ambush this teacher. Once they did, they ripped off his right shoe and revealed absolutely no wound.
Not having recorded the evidence, this teacher's word still stood firmer than ours and he used the wounding of his heel and the 'assault' on him at the carpark to throw three of us in jail. And not the "jail" jail, but rather, a prison cell that mysteriously was located in the school somewhere. Three of us were imprisoned, me, because this teacher said the CG rep should bear the class' sins, and two others who allegedly caused the heel injury.
For some strange reason, the three of us had street clothes with us in the cell and we made a plan to break out of the cell. Our dream selves knew that there would be a celebratory event in the school soon, at which point the cell would always be unlocked (don't ask why). We planned to change into the street clothes and slip out when none of the teachers were looking. When we executed the plan, my two classmates succeeded in getting away, but just as I was about to escape, a teacher came by and started to scold me really heavily. My dream-self was finally overwhelmed by the injustice of it all, and snapped. My dream-self screamed back a defense at the teacher, attracting the attention of all the other teachers, and bringing my 2 classmates back to my side to back me up. In my dream-self's fury, I dragged the 'wounded' teacher to the fore and yanked off his shoe, all the while screaming and crying tears of fury as the three of us yelled our defense.
And just like that, the dream blacked out.
Dream #2
I was at home, and my parents were in a very-disappointed-with-me mood, the kind where everytime they looked at me, they felt so shamed they would cry. And all because I had gotten my dad coffee instead of tea (because he likes tea way better). I was trying to explain myself, but everytime I tried, I would choke on my words halfway through, mainly because my main consciousness was put in control of my dream-self and I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Just when I thought I had something to say to placate my parents, my dream blacked out again.
Dream #3
No picture. Just a dismembered voice which I later realised was mine reciting every single Bio fact I had studied over the past few days in a rather desperate voice. And when the voice had run through the whole lot of notes I had finished, I woke up.
When I thought about all of this, I realised that maybe, just maybe, these three dreams had a lot to say about my subconscious self that I had never realised in my conscious self before, namely:
- I'm not dealing with the high expectations of me well, and it has only worsened with all the people over the past six years highlighting that I'm not fulfilling my potential.
- The two friends who were 'imprisoned' with me are probably the two I rely on a lot to keep me sane.
- As far as my feelings are concerned, all the teachers who've been giving me the scholar speech over the years are probably doing more harm than good.
- I have not forgiven myself for my crime five years ago.
- I live in constant fear that I'll do something my parents will be disappointed about.
- The only way I think I can prove my worth is through academics.
Which is all very worrying, because my conscious self was never more than just barely aware of all these things until now, and to top it all off, my conscious self's personality is completely antithesis to my subconscious'. Could I have been just subconsciously suppressing my true self all along ever since I fell short of expectation five years ago? I can't say.
