Storms rock. There's the sunshine afterward to look forward to.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Arrogance
It's all over. The JCTs finished yesterday, and a better last day I couldn't have hoped for. The Maths paper, although it was bad, was relatively better than my class tests *ahem* and my bio paper served to encourage me that indeed, I can study. And when I study, good things happen.
But since the JCTs had ended, I had time to do a bit of introspection. And I wound up feeling pretty sick of myself. You see, quite a few things happened during the course of the JCTs and I never bothered about them earlier because after all, I was studying. But once the JCTs ended, I was able to think about them.
I found out recently that my essay which I had submitted for that science fiction essay writing competition was taken out of the final shortlisting. Turns out, after a double-check, they found a better essay. And I've read the shortlisted essays. They're really good. Honestly. I doubt I could write like that as I am now.
Surya has been practising for his PESA competition. His speech is, to say the least, remarkable. It's been infused with an incredible vocabulary he never commanded four years ago, and the shyness he used to have is not detectable, at least in his practise. He also commands audiences with an incredible emotive and powerful voice. His inpromptu isn't bad, either.
So I was thinking about these things, and I felt a great sense of inferiority. At the same time, I felt incredibly angry with myself. And I was trying to understand why I was feeling this way. I thought long and hard, and I came to a conclusion.
A few years back, my hubris in life was arrogance. I had great overconfidence in my own skills in whatever I happened to be skilled at, and had this superiority complex. I thought I had gotten rid of it. I thought I had changed. It seems I was wrong.
For a long time now English has been my strength, writing my defining activity, eloquence my defining trait. At least, I thought so. What I merely had was a small advantage over the rest because of my background. But now, I've lost that edge. And my subconscious refuses to accept it, it seems, because English has been my surefire win for so long that it seems preposterous to my own self that I would suddenly find myself lacking. But this is arrogance.
Four years ago, until the O levels, I was helping Surya, among a great many others, to improve their vocabulary, hone their English skills, so English wouldn't pull them back for O levels, like Malay did for me. And I was accepted by them as the one to help them in English. But now, with the advent of GP, it is I who has the disadvantage, since my strength lay in storytelling. But I still refused to think of myself any lower. But this was arrogance.
Storytelling my strength? Maybe so, but with my head so puffed up my others' praise, I thought I was the best. So when I find out that there are writers my age who have totally trashed me, my mind refused to acknowledge them. But this. Is. Freaking. Arrogance.
And after I realised this, I felt so sick of myself. I was trying to show on the outside the good mood I have been known to display continuously, but it was so hard. I was seething inside, furious that I could still have this flaw. I was ready to break down at any time. Humans aren't perfect, I know that, but at least this flaw, I thought I had gotten rid of. So I was pretty disgusted with myself.
But it appears that when I was praying for God to help me and my friends during the JCTs, it seems even after that, He stuck around a bit longer to tell me something. I was reminded of what Jesus said to Peter after his ressurection concerning John.
"If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me."And it struck like a bolt from the blue. See, Peter was jealous that Jesus seemed to favour John more than the rest of his disciples. And angry, because to him, he thought he had done so much for Jesus, surely he should be chosen for any high-priority task Jesus was to delegate? But Jesus reminded him that the idea isn't to compare yourself with others. The idea is simply to follow Him.
And then He let my mind take a trip down memory lane. He guided my mind to call up memories.
I saw myself teaching my friends, I saw them surpass me. He said, "The best of teachers are happy with their students' success."
I saw myself in my arrogance, proud of my advantage in English. He said, "The Lord giveth, The Lord can also take away. Pride comes before a fall."
I saw my head puffed up with the praise from others. He said, "The talents I give are to be used wisely, for My glory and My sake, not yours."
And I then saw clearly. My role four years ago was to teach, to equip those lacking in the skills I was given so they could develop further by themselves once I gave them the momentum. I am not the best writer, I just love writing, a passion not many have, but I almost forgot it, seeking only to earn laurels from it at a certain point. My role was merely to pass this passion on, to show that writing essays is not as arduous a task as people think, because everyone knows it is easier to excel in something you love doing. My role is to help everyone, everywhere, whenever and wherever I can, a supportive job. Not to say I don't have a role out in the open, but that has yet to be revealed to me, and for now, I support to the best of my ability.
After I saw this, I knew that I could help Surya for PESA without any trace of envy, with God's help. I could accept any outcome for any writing competition, with God mowing down my arrogance. After all, it's just a competition, and there can only be so many winners. I can now very well accept that my friends from SJI are much better in English than they used to be, and I am happy that I played my part. But now, my leading role is over, and other actors must now take the stage. I now lie backstage.
Before God had finished with me, He said what He had said to so many before, tailored specifically just for me, as it always is.
"If I will others be able to do what you cannot, what is that to you? You follow Me."And I accepted the rebuke without question. After all, I don't serve myself. I follow Him.
