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Sunday, October 5, 2008
TMUN Memorable Quotes
Somehow, I doubt that the Temasek Times would agree to put the memorable quotes into an issue, so here it is on-blog in full.
For those who don't know or forgot, TMUN (Temasek Model United Nations) had wonderful delegates who occasionally forgot that they were delegates or made statements of unbelievable wit and/or sarcasm, and as editor of the press corps, I saw it within my reporter/paparazzi duties to compile a collection of those statements.
*Disclaimer* The following quotes are not meant to insult the position of any country within the true United Nations Assembly and are merely meant to point out where the diplomatic talents of our mock delegates could be refined.
‘This delegate thanks the USA for the INSIGHTFUL question, and will be answering this question at a later time, with several footnotes’ – Sudan evidently doesn’t really think the question posed by the USA was very insightful
Afghanistan - ‘Fistfights can still happen, but what will a war be without arms? Do you see the USA going into war without arms?’
USA – ‘Yes, but we do not do it without cause.’
Afghanistan – ‘Then what about the Iraqi civilians that USA troops fired on?’
USA – ‘We did not do it intentionally. Whoever does such a thing would be heavily prosecuted.’
All other countries try to hold back their disbelieving laughter.
‘Some people are wise, some people are otherwise’ – The Press Corps Editor, who does not know exactly where the delegates are in this dichotomy
‘I want to question… who was that?... Russia!’ – France must have left her script at her table
‘I hope you all had a wonderful lunch.’ – Russia opens up with a nice word before verbally assaulting every other delegate present
‘We have nothing to contribute to this discussion except cashew nuts.’ – Vietnam has great pride in her very widespread cashew nut trade
‘May I remind you that Russia’s arms sales only account for 10% of the total, the other 90% being contributed by the French Republic and China, who unfortunately is not present here due to unforeseen circumstances… I congratulate China on their incredible gold tally’ – Russia knows when to use the term ‘unforeseen circumstances’
‘That’s from Wikipedia! I know you’re all on Wikipedia!’ – Russia realizes why every delegate is suddenly armed to the teeth with current affairs information
‘Do you think, Russia, that oil will just pop out from the ground?’ – Afghanistan. Oh, if only diplomats really spoke like this…
‘Yes, we are representing Iran. We agreed to this over American fried chicken yesterday during dinner.’ – Russia seems to harbor murderous intent towards Americans and their poultry
‘But the USA was in Afghanistan and Iraq and now is in Iran for SUPPOSED WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WELL, MY DEAR DELEGATE, WHERE ARE THEY???’ – Russia isn’t one to mince words. I guess when your country is bigger than any other you get a license to question people rudely.
‘CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS ON A SOLUTION?’ - Indonesia has a revelation of her true duty
USA – ‘Have you ever wondered…’
Sudan – ‘You’re on Wiki, aren’t you?’
Sudan finds the USA’s sudden bright idea suspicious.
‘Actually, I want to go home’ – Japan feels his input is not required during this particular debate
‘Are you, like, still watching anime?’ – Peru realizes that Japan has a lot of resources to keep him entertained during dry debates
‘The Secretary General isn’t Ban-Ki-Moon! It’s Akash Shah! Akash Shah!’ – USA and Russia seem to think the Model United Nations is real…
‘The fact that Sudan has sent a charming delegate obviously shows that they are willing to look for a solution’ – Indonesia clearly has a masters’ degree in diplomacy
‘I would like to suggest the following policy: pee on fields, not toilet bowls. The purpose of this is to solve the desertification problem’ – USA’s take on solving desertification
USA – ‘Come on, now, what is Russia good at?’
Russia – ‘Everything!’
Admittedly, USA should have seen this coming…
Japan – ‘Technically, there is…’
USA – ‘HE SPEAKS!!’
Japan finally speaks after a long anime marathon, and the USA is clearly unaware of Japan’s articulating powers.
‘We are supposed to propose general, feasible solutions, rather than… *USA moves laptop away sheepishly* YouTube’ – Sudan has quick eyes that jump between the delegates’ laptop screens
France – ‘No, we are not selling them arms! We are just providing them with…’
Russia and USA – ‘ARMS!’
Russia and USA realize the shining truth that there is no other word that can replace ‘arms’ and are remarkably quick on the uptake.
‘It’s sugar free! It’s a laxative!’ – Russia advertises sugar-free products during a debate. And condemns constipation.
‘Why not plant miles and miles of poppy seeds for medicine?’ – Peru has great faith in the medicinal value of poppy seeds
‘Poppy seed planting is unviable because they are only used for drugs like morphine and cough syrup… and it can be used to make OPIUM’ – Russia reminds Peru why the planting of poppies was never carried out
‘Has Sudan even agreed to such planting of crops?’ – The Deputy Secretary General finds it strange that Sudan doesn’t get a say in determining the solution to her own problem and that Peru and Russia are pursuing the solution so enthusiastically.
‘Esti probably has wild parties in school when we’re not around’ – The USA delegate lapses out of character for a brief moment in shock at finding out the Student Council President has the UN Assembly Hall…er…TJ keys.
‘I recall the delegate of Sudan saying that she was confused. Well, I can clearly see that.’ – Afghanistan needs to be reminded on the need for decorum
‘You talked about creating a demilitarised zone, but if it was that simple, why not demilitarise the whole African zone? You’ll solve all the problems there that way!’ – Afghan is well versed in sarcasm
‘There are other plants such as aloe vera which have medicinal values…’ – USA refuses to let the poppy discussion die down
Sudan – ‘Signatories, please?’
Qatar – ‘Qatar’
Russia – ‘Prata?’
The Russian delegate obviously found the American fried chicken insufficient sustenance.
‘I LOVE your job! Can we switch places???’ – Japan finally comes to the realization that the Press Corps has been laughing at the delegates for the past two hours
‘I am happy to see that my point on demilitarising the whole of Africa has been brought up so many times, but that was meant to be a sarcastic point.’ – Afghanistan is disappointed that her mastery of sarcastic wit was not acknowledged
Afghanistan – ‘Are they just going to discipline them like two recalcitrant brats?’
Deputy Secretary General – ‘Mind your language!’
It takes a particularly ‘interesting’ phrase to merit a scolding from the Deputy Secretary General of the United Nations.
‘What!? You’re on the speakers’ list???’ *Japan nods* ‘Whoa…’ – USA cannot believe that the anime watcher is speaking again
‘NIPPON! BANZAI!’ – Japan is immensely patriotic
‘I have no idea why you’re talking about medicinal herbs…’ – Japan picks up on the poppy discussion after it already died down
Japan – ‘I had a mental blackout just now. I forgot what I wanted to say.’
Russia – ‘Yeah, we realised.’
Japan forgets his script, much to the dismay of Russia.
‘Did you know DMZs usually become nature reserves? Even if not, if we create a DMZ there, we will essentially drain people out of there, and no people in Sudan means… why not we turn it into a nature reserve?’ – Afghanistan cares more about flora and fauna than people
‘Point of Inquiry! What must I say to get my thumb-drive back?’ – Sudan is swamped by the many parliamentary protocols
‘Parliamentary rules are now reinstated and it shall be moved to a formal debate. There is a fresh speakers’ list to argue about… er… discuss…’ – The Deputy Secretary General made a little slip up there…
'Would any delegate like to vote to pass motion... er... pass a motion?' - Maybe the Deputy Secretary General would be attracted to Russia's sugar-free products
‘From…er…my sources, I have found out that… found out that… found out that…’ – USA has trouble communicating with his ‘sources’
‘Education is the answer? Do you really think that the rebels are going to go to school and learn their ABCs and 123s?’ – Afghanistan underestimates the power of an all-rounded education, complete with passion, purpose and drive
TMUN Director – ‘TMUN has adjourned.’
Ex-USA and Sudan – ‘So does that mean we can speak like normal humans now?’
The relief of the ex-USA and Sudan delegates is clear in their voice and their faces.
‘I am SO quoting that!’ – The Press Corps Editor had a separate Microsoft Word window open for recording interesting statements
